i sneak around the house
flittering my arms like a fairy
jacked on jetfuel (tea made with more sugar than water and a touch of milk)
hovering out to the backyard because both bathrooms in the house are in use
peeing in a bush in the middle of the night while staring up at the stars
wondering what tomorrow will bring
days melt into eachother, weeks merge together, months repeat themselves
get out of bed? do something? change?
sometimes its all you can do to just breathe
a paper slides under the door
something fallen behind the old bookshelf. now its lost in another dimension
a feather on my sock. where did that feather come from?
a person staring at me at the library. how long have they been watching?


a man stopped me in the store once.
he said "are you okay?"
i said "yeah.."
i wondered if i looked that bad.. that pathetic
a flash of material. fabric ripping
a blurred image in a mirror. is that me?
someone is hitting me and they wont stop. i feel pretty
hes smoking while driving and im trying not to look in the backseat
i can hear noises in the dark back there. i think they are fucking
he just keeps smoking and driving. hes laughing now.. or is that the music?
i cant breathe. i stick my head out of the car and throw up
and now they are laughing harder

im dizzy. im on the floor on my back 
and she crawls ontop of me. sitting on my stomach
she bends down and kisses me on the forehead, then the cheeks and my body is on fire
our lips touch. its my first kiss. softly at first. just a split second
its more than i expected. im burning. she touches again so soft i could die
and i feel her tongue on my lips and i touch her back with mine
i almost pass out. theres music playing somewhere and my friends are in another room laughing

i hear the snap of the belt and theres blood running down my hip onto my ass
im crying so much. tears are running off my chin onto the floor
snot is coming out of my nose mixing with the tears and im begging him to stop
im praying to god he will stop

the house stinks. the smell is death
the sink is filled with a black rotting liquid like tar and broken glass
something is written on the walls with a spraycan
furniture is all broken and more broken shit covers the floor
and im headed towards the far side of the bed. but i cant look
im not going to look. something wont let me.
is that where he killed her? is that blood i smell?
everything is flashing by now. im running for my life
i can feel something cold behind me. cold and really big
i wont turn around and look. if i turn around and look i know it will kill me.

and i see the rail fading in the distance.
i see her face fading behind the rail
a kitten running across a wet parking lot in the rain
and shes screaming now. and the sound of broken glass 
and im spinning. my head feels warm and my body is getting hot
as blood and bruises start covering the skin

im in the back under these chairs.
a huge stack of chairs. a thousand chairs
ive crawled all the way into the back under the chairs
the door is shut and its dark. im crying. 
and the door opens. light, then shuts. dark
and i hear someone coming towards me in the dark under the chairs
she stops next to me and asks if im okay. can she see me in the dark?
because thats alot of chairs!

this isnt happening

THIS ISNT HAPPENING!!!