I open my eyes..

im standing over the kitchen sink. i dont know how i got there
all i can see are my memories of friends and loved ones
the sink is full of dirty cups and dishes.
i can feel the ache of working for days on end
there is a knife on the tile counter
next to the sink. now im three feet away in the corner of the kitchen.
the victories won all throughout my life

the laughing and smiles
i can feel the cold metal blade of the knife across my neck
the pain and the tears
my vision goes crimson
i feel those hot summer days pouring down over my body
so hot that the back of my head goes fuzzy,aching and nausea runs up my throat
and the cold winter night chills my heart and my hands
so cold it burns.. that foot left outside the blanket

i can see the faces of those whom i knew, reflecting in the water
of the cups, rippling from the shaking in my hands
they are all screaming at me but i cant understand anything they are saying
the sound of glass breaking and the gears of an old clock grinding
the sound of an old man taking his last breath
im choking on these words. they are pouring out of my mouth like a thick
salty syrup onto the floor spreading into a scarlet lake

i see her in the lake
shes beckoning me to follow
ive never been strong enough to follow. always afraid of the dark
afraid that i cant breathe under the water, afraid that i'll become
too cold and never warm up again. afraid i'll get too thin and become
sick. afraid that i'll be alone 

im going to follow her now.
because i have nothing left for me here
just the empty smiles of empty friends
a thousand whispers burning in my ears
the lost cries of a woman gone mad
i take her hand, close my eyes and slowly melt through the floor leaving my bones
behind me.


-L0cke                                               June 19 / 2000